Cardinals Figure out Reason for Recent Struggles

Mike Matheny, Carlos Martinez

Carlos Martinez and Mike Matheny discus the reason for the Cardinals early struggles.

Deep in a clubhouse somewhere in St. Louis, a sudden realization shook a baseball team to its very core. “I cannot believe we forgot about it! We wear red for a reason!” said third baseman Matt Carpenter. Manager Mike Matheny called it “Simply inexcusable”, while staff ace Adam Wainwright said it was “a failure on the most fundamental level.”

The St. Louis Cardinals have enjoyed much success over the recent years, including a 100 win season in 2015. In 2016 however, the Cardinals have struggled to maintain a .500 record a little more than a month in. The problems confounded the clubhouses up until last Friday, when pitcher Carlos Martinez noticed something amiss. “Hey guys? Who sacrificed the goat this year?” Martinez inquired. Nervous looks shot around the clubhouse as players claimed that they didn’t. “We did sacrifice a goat this year, right?” Matheny chimed in. But despite the inquiries it soon became apparent that not one of the cardinals had sacrificed their annual goat to the ghost of Abner Doubleday.

“Usually we have a big get-together and do it as a group, but this year i think we just got caught up with spring training.” said left fielder Matt Holliday. “당신은 누구 이며, 왜 나에게 말을하는거야?” said Seung Hwan Oh, the Cardinals offseason addition to their bullpen. Adam Wainwright is already looking for a solution, “I wonder if we can get a goat from Pappy’s? I bet they have the hookups.” Meanwhile other workarounds are being presented. “I can eat a whole horse if that counts” said Matt Adams, “I mean I really could. I’m hungry”

While the crisis tears apart the locker room, some have come to an agreement. The entire team, save for one player, has agreed that until the problem can be fixed the blame will fall squarely on new Cardinal Ruben Tejada.

About the Author


Totschlag
Totschlag is a guest writer for the Toast Dispatch, and also makes instructional hockey strategy videos in his "X's and O's" YouTube series.