The St. Louis Cardinals’ team doctor has announced that the team’s offense is terminally ill, after losing 8-0 and 9-3 to the San Diego Padres on Friday and Saturday.
Team physician Dr. Brian Mahaffey told us: “We thought they were already dead, so I was driving the whole team to the San Diego Medical Examiner’s Office, when I heard a faint wheezing noise coming from Matt Holliday’s coffin.”
The Cardinals Caravan / morgue truck was then rushed back to Sharp Memorial Hospital, where Dr. Nick Riviera informed them of a radical, albeit expensive, new operation that could save the offense.
Despite Matheny’s best efforts, which included starting offensive juggernaut Pete Kozma at shortstop, the St. Louis offense remains ineffective.
In response to the lackluster effort of the team, Cardinals manager Mike Matheny told us: “It’s been brought to my attention that, ‘we can’t buy a run’.”
The Cardinals’ Kickstarter campaign to raise money for the surgery has launched with the goal of raising $272,789,040 before today’s 3:15 pm start against the Padres.
In a related story, Fredbird was seen begging at Busch Stadium with a sign that read: “Will work for pants”. Fredbird was recently laid off by the Cardinals, apparently his paygrade is directly related to the dip in offensive production.