In a stunning plot twist, so bizarre it could only be found in a poorly written satire article, the F.B.I. has come to the conclusion that the Cardinals did not hack the Houston Astros.
The Chicago Cubs, were in fact the team that hacked the Astros.
According to the F.B.I.’s investigation, Tom Ricketts, owner of the Cubs, had seen that despite his best efforts to field a half decent team, nearly halfway through the MLB season he was still in 3rd place, while the Cardinals were cruising along with the best record in baseball.
“I couldn’t take it anymore.”, confessed Mr. Ricketts. “I hired Newman from Jurassic Park to plant evidence that the Cardinals stole information from the Astros, hoping that the punishment the MLB dished out would be enough to slow down the Cards. Obviously Newman couldn’t get the job done. What’s that guy good for anyway? Can’t steal dinosaur eggs, can’t hack the Astros…”
We asked Joe Maddon if knew what was going on behind the scenes. Maddon hastily swept a folder labeled “Operation: Fredbird Down” off his desk and into the waste bin before denying all involvement.
The F.B.I. says they knew the Cubs were behind this when, while searching the Astros systems, they found a Word Document with the contents “Cardz suck. lol. Go Cubbies!” inside.
The MLB has decided on an unusual punishment for the Cubs.
Commissioner Rob Manfred says: “We’ve met with the other Owners, and we’ve come to the conclusion that as punishment, Cubs fans will be forced to watch the Cardinals inevitable deep postseason run, and…” added Manfred, “root for St. Louis.”
The Mayor of Chicago has declared a state of emergency and is asking Cubs fans to please stay indoors until the MLB season is over.