Gorillas Attack Jeremy Rutherford at Zoo

Early this afternoon, beat writer for the St. Louis Blues, Jeremy Rutherford, was attacked at the Zoo by three large, male Western Lowland Gorillas. Apparently the apes became extremely agitated when they saw the tweet that Mr. Rutherford had sent out moments earlier.

Witnesses stated that “Jeremy was especially taunting one particular Gorilla named Joe – ‘The Professor’”. Evidently, Mr. Rutherford was attempting to draw some awkward comparison, to deceased former St. Louis Blues General Manager Ron Caron, better known as “The Professor”, and a 6ft tall 500 pound Silverback.


At some point, the Gorillas began beating on their chests and hooting loudly. Seeing this, Rutherford reportedly jumped up on top of the concrete wall and starting yelling, “You call that chest beating, watch this!” Then Jeremy starting thumping his chest and yelling, “It’s my planet, and I was here first!”

Suddenly, Mr. Rutherford in a fit of enthusiasm, lost his balance and tumbled into the pit below.

The Gorillas, not wanting to waste their good fortune, hurriedly organized an enthusiastic game of Whack A Mole – using Jeremy as the Mole.


Fortunately, before Mr. Rutherford was maimed for life, a quick thinking zoo keeper lured the playful primates back into their cages with an autographed advance copy of Mr. Rutherford’s latest book, portentously entitled: 100 Things Blues Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die!

Mr. Rutherford is currently recuperating from his severe head injuries at Barnes Jewish Hospital and is frantically attempting to reach his publisher to request that the cover on his new book be changed to read: 101 Things Blues Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die…or…Never compare a dead GM to a 500 pound Gorilla.

About the Author

Lumpy Rutherford
Lumpy Rutherford is the head writer for the Toast Dispatch. His favorite topics are St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer Jeremy Rutherford and former Blues goalie Jaroslav Halak.