Halakanites Are Dangerously Close to Extinction


After 3 seasons of their Lord Thy Goalie Stinkin’up the league…researchers are finding it increasingly difficult to find any Halakanites left on the Blues forums.

Dr. Weknowmorethanu from the EGC – Endangered Goalie Conservation, stated that “It is not looking good for the Halakanites in general the last known mating pair was found 2 years ago somewhere near the Blues Talk Forum when the St. Louis Blues defeated the Chicago Black Hawks after a dominant performance by Jaroslav Halak”.

Dr. Weknowmorethanu then frankly added “The Halakanites are very very close to extinction. We are not talking years, we are not talking days, we are talking minutes.”

When asked why the rather goofy looking homofanium was dwindling at such an alarming rate? Researchers responded by saying “It looks like the Halakanites food source was being eradicated by Halaks inability to perform as a #1 goalie for over 3 years now.

The St. Louis Zoo has 1 of only 3 Halakanites left in captivity.

Officials at the zoo stated “The Halakanites could be wiped out if plans go ahead to have Brian Elliott as the defacto starter for the Blues”

After a generous donation from Blues GM Doug Armstrong, the Royal Society of the Rutherfords has announced plans to protect the Halakanites by creating a Halak lovers 55,000 acre reserve in west county were Halakanites can roam freely without any threat of actually viewing Halaks average to slightly below average performances.

Sadly it looks like these noble efforts will be in vain as the last Halakanites fade into oblivion we here at the St. Louis Toast Dispatch bid you farewell …we enjoyed many a day writing for you and about you.

-Amen Newman


About the Author

Lumpy Rutherford
Lumpy Rutherford is the head writer for the Toast Dispatch. His favorite topics are St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer Jeremy Rutherford and former Blues goalie Jaroslav Halak.