Jake The Wake

Jake Allen Slider

The St. Louis Blues have announced, late last night that “Jake the wake” Allen will be called up from Peoria to oversee the funeral of the 2013 Blues season.

When asked if he was qualified to perform such a task Doug Armweak said: “I think that Jake Allen has all the tools to bury this team” – “he has a .904 save percentage which is 41st out of 46 AHL goalies and has virtually no NHL experience” Yes I think we can safely say he is our man.”

The Blues were hoping to turn the season around but after collapsing to L.A. Kings like a tent when the pole is kicked out from under it…the campaign has all but come to a tragic end.

In the locker room after the game Jar slob Halak was asked if he felt any of the goals were his fault. Before he could answer one of his team mates through him a bottle of water that was deftly played and ended up in the back of the Halackes locker.

Alfred Hitchcock was asked if he agreed with Armweaks move. Hitchcock responded by saying: “Ultimately, when it is all said and done…I do what Doug tells me to do…it is kind of like the old movie The King and I…you remember the line – When I sit, you sit. When I kneel, you kneel. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!”

For those who were unable to attend the funeral in L.A., there will be multiple viewings at Scottrade throughout the rest of the hockey season. GO BLUES!!!

About the Author


Lumpy Rutherford
Lumpy Rutherford is the head writer for the Toast Dispatch. His favorite topics are St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer Jeremy Rutherford and former Blues goalie Jaroslav Halak.