NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announced today that the Western Conference Playoffs are to be canceled, effective immediately.
Mr. Bettman cited the elimination of large market teams as detrimental to the sport in his explanation to the press.
“Despite valiant efforts by our best striped zebras, high profit markets Chicago, LA and Anaheim were all eliminated in the 1st round. Myself, and the elite planning group of the NHL (comprised of Stan Bowman, Rocky Wirtz, Philip F. Anschutz, Mike Keenan and Adolf Hitler’s reanimated corpse) have decided it is in the best interests of Chi-, I mean, the league, to discontinue the Western Conference Playoffs at this time.”
Amid the chaos that ensued, Bettman attempted to reason with the reporters.
“We will not air a Blues vs Predators Playoff series, we just won’t. Re-airing the Blackhawks recent Cup runs in their place however… Now there’s an idea.”
– NBC Executive
“I know, I know, it’s disappointing. But we really did try to keep this from happening, I mean, take the Chicago vs St. Louis series for example, Crawford literally attacked Fabbri, and we made sure Chicago got a power play out of it. We didn’t want it to come to this.”
“We were nearing the possible apocalyptic scenario of a St. Louis vs Nashville Western Conference Finals, we cannot allow that.”
At that Mr. Bettman pointed his finger in his mouth and made a gagging motion.
The NHL planning committee made it clear that the Eastern Conference Playoffs would continue however, as they had stuck to the script and had plenty of revenue opportunities with Washington playing Pittsburgh, and the Islanders playing the Lightning.