The Vatican released a statement today from Major League Commissioner Rob Manfred, denying a request to revoke the excommunication of Shoeless Joe Jackson. The player banished for the 1919 Black Sox scandal will remain in a place of suffering, inhabited by the souls of sinners. Transliteration: Lifelong Cubs fan or also known as Cubatory.
CNN was able to interview Shoeless Joe Jackson via a medium from a small town in Dubuque County, Iowa. Joe stated: “I had heard Manfred laughed at the scene when Kevin Costner asks his dad to play catch…at that moment, I knew all was lost.”
The MLB hierarchy scoffed at the idea of a player who allegedly played a part in the throwing the 1919 World Series, ever being allowed to enter the Pearly Gates of St. Seligs.
Ironically, Commissioner Rob Manfred was rushed to the a local Chicago hospital today after complaining about severe stomach pains. Apparently suffering from a acute case of Kidney Stones. A representative for the commissioner was confident he would be able to “cast the first stones” before the night was over.