Say It Ain’t So Joe! – Shoeless Joe Jackson denied access to HOF

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The Vatican released a statement today from Major League Commissioner Rob Manfred, denying a request to revoke the excommunication of Shoeless Joe Jackson. The player banished for the 1919 Black Sox scandal will remain in a place of suffering, inhabited by the souls of sinners. Transliteration: Lifelong Cubs fan or also known as Cubatory.

CNN was able to interview Shoeless Joe Jackson via a medium from a small town in Dubuque County, Iowa. Joe stated: “I had heard Manfred laughed at the scene when Kevin Costner asks his dad to play catch…at that moment, I knew all was lost.”

The MLB hierarchy scoffed at the idea of a player who allegedly played a part in the throwing the 1919 World Series, ever being allowed to enter the Pearly Gates of St. Seligs.

Ironically, Commissioner Rob Manfred was rushed to the a local Chicago hospital today after complaining about severe stomach pains. Apparently suffering from a acute case of Kidney Stones. A representative for the commissioner was confident he would be able to “cast the first stones” before the night was over.

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Lumpy Rutherford
Lumpy Rutherford is the head writer for the Toast Dispatch. His favorite topics are St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer Jeremy Rutherford and former Blues goalie Jaroslav Halak.