Stan Kroenke has been trying to move the St. Louis Rams to Los Angeles for some time now, but he’s found an easier way to cash into the gold mine of LA.
Today, Kroenke ditched his plot to relocate the Rams, and announced his plans to buy the Chicago Cubs and move them to LA.
“The trick was finding a team nobody cared about.” Kroenke said. “It may feel like the Rams have been bad for a while, but remember, they won the Super Bowl in 1999, the Cubs haven’t won the World Series since 1908! We’re talking pre World War I here!”
For Thomas Ricketts, the former owner of the Cubs, the decision to sell was an easy one.
I’m a die-hard Cardinals fan and I’ll be damned if I ever help the city of Chicago to win a championship!”
– Thomas Ricketts, former owner of the Cubs.
“People thought we were signing all these free agents so we could break the curse, and finally bring loyal Cubbies fans a World Series Championship, something to celebrate. But the truth is ever since I bought the Cubs in 2009 I’ve just been in it for the long con, I’ve built a great team here, but I’m a die-hard Cardinals fan and I’ll be damned if I ever help the city of Chicago to win a championship! So when Kroenke inquired about purchasing the team with the intent to move to Los Angeles, it was the perfect fit!”
Kroenke has purchased a little league field in the suburbs of Inglewood. The field has a capacity of 61, however he expects to hold closer to 100 if fans bring their own lawn chairs.
The sports mastermind isn’t stopping there however, continuing his infatuation with moving anything and everything to LA, Kroenke unveiled his new plan to purchase the planet Mars, and move it to the Los Angeles area. He came up with this idea when he realized there was more usable water on Mars than in California.
NASA, while excited about the possibilities of studying Mars up close, warned that attempting to move Mars to LA would likely result in the complete obliteration of Earth, and as a result, humanity.
Kroenke however, remained undeterred.