The Hostage


This ransom letter is addressed to David Backes.

Mr. Backes, we are going to get straight to the point here.  You have something within your reach that we want more than anything else, something that a St. Louis Blues fan could only dream of having – the Stanley Cup.

We want you and your band of Blues Brothers, to go get this Cup and bring it home to St. Louis… this year.

Your incentive?

The original Roar Bacon, your pot bellied porker… Piggy Smalls.

You might have noticed that he missing.  Do not worry, he is doing fine, for now.

When you deliver the Cup to a location, to be designated on a later date, we will then and only then release Mr. Smalls back into your pet loving arms.

To illustrate to you the seriousness of this situation, please see the attached .GIF.   As life long loyal Blues fans, we will do whatever it takes to bring the Stanley Cup to St. Louis.

After each loss, we will lower, the caged Piggy Smalls one notch closer toward a pool of really hot burning lava. (really really hot lava… not your mild or semi spicy junk)

One loss, brings Piggy Smalls one step closer to an agonizing horrible excruciating sizzler.  After four losses in a series, Mr. Smalls will be Burnt Bacon on Toast… Dispatch.

If you can win just 16 games, Piggy Smalls will be released and Roar Bacon will live on forever.

About the Author

Lumpy Rutherford
Lumpy Rutherford is the head writer for the Toast Dispatch. His favorite topics are St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer Jeremy Rutherford and former Blues goalie Jaroslav Halak.